Since September there have been many days when I put Maddie's prematurity in the back of mind...not that I ever forget it, but some days its not as pronounced. Today is a day that it snuck up on me and not even in a scary, bad dream type of way. Today I picked Maddie up from my parents house and she was so so happy. At home while lying on my bed Maddie had so much energy and she was laughing and for the first time she was saying dadadadada. I am truly blessed with this sweet baby girl...
This week we have made huge changes with Maddie going to childcare three days a week, and I now believe it is harder for me than her. I dread dropping her off and even become jealous of the teachers that get my baby all day long..I fight the urge to visit because I am afraid that I would make it harder for Maddie..I know she is starting to enjoy her time there, but I miss her tremedously. I am only away from her for 8 hrs and it breaks my heart, then I begin to think about others like the Freemans or Maddie Spohr. WHile I did not know either family, my heart aches for them. I wonder how they manage each second of every day. I know that having God in your world provides some peace. Each morning after greeting my little lady and while I am Pumping (eight and half months strong) I log on and check their blogs, usually I end up in tears reading about how they are attempting to manage life now. I try to think of words that my provide some strength, courage, or hope and each day nothing. I pray to God to watch over those families and provide them some sense of peace, and then I thank God for the blessing he has given me. I also read those blogs to my Madalyn and we look at their pictures. The word preemie or preemie parent provide a sense of security for me...a person who truly can relate to me....a person who gets what its like to leave a hospital without your baby...a woman who feels robbed of her pregnancy....a woman who lives with guilt around the premature birth (even though we shouldnt feel that way)...we are amazing women who have been blessed with amazing children. All moms are amazing.......
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Wow. I can't tell you how many times these same thoughts sneak up on me. Being the mother of a premature baby is such a scary thing, but we are lucky because we get to TRULY appreciate each and everything our babies do. Carter will be one next month and I've been having a heck of a time dealing with it all, know that when you feel that way you are definitely not alone :)
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