So here I am sitting here on a Friday night watching Miss Madds fast asleep on the a bed of blankets on the living room floor...i know i know...why is she not in her crib. When daddy is out for a while Madds gets to snuggle with mommy and so while I type she is sleeping next to me. My thoughts are WOW I am blessed. This little girl is absolutely perfect, even her imperfections (a funny shaped ear :0 ) are perfect. I can sit for hours starring at her and thinking that God has truely blessed me..
I have a man who may drive me crazy more often than not but he is my rock. I do not think I tell him enough how wonderful he is, but I need to start.
I have a family and group of friends that support me so much and offer so much love and I only hope I can do the same for them.
God also has blessed me with a job. Right now with this economy I am blessed to have a full time job that I love and a part time job that I love even more.
I am just blessed...Thank you Lord for all you have given me..
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
sometimes it just hits you when you least expect it
Since September there have been many days when I put Maddie's prematurity in the back of mind...not that I ever forget it, but some days its not as pronounced. Today is a day that it snuck up on me and not even in a scary, bad dream type of way. Today I picked Maddie up from my parents house and she was so so happy. At home while lying on my bed Maddie had so much energy and she was laughing and for the first time she was saying dadadadada. I am truly blessed with this sweet baby girl...
This week we have made huge changes with Maddie going to childcare three days a week, and I now believe it is harder for me than her. I dread dropping her off and even become jealous of the teachers that get my baby all day long..I fight the urge to visit because I am afraid that I would make it harder for Maddie..I know she is starting to enjoy her time there, but I miss her tremedously. I am only away from her for 8 hrs and it breaks my heart, then I begin to think about others like the Freemans or Maddie Spohr. WHile I did not know either family, my heart aches for them. I wonder how they manage each second of every day. I know that having God in your world provides some peace. Each morning after greeting my little lady and while I am Pumping (eight and half months strong) I log on and check their blogs, usually I end up in tears reading about how they are attempting to manage life now. I try to think of words that my provide some strength, courage, or hope and each day nothing. I pray to God to watch over those families and provide them some sense of peace, and then I thank God for the blessing he has given me. I also read those blogs to my Madalyn and we look at their pictures. The word preemie or preemie parent provide a sense of security for me...a person who truly can relate to me....a person who gets what its like to leave a hospital without your baby...a woman who feels robbed of her pregnancy....a woman who lives with guilt around the premature birth (even though we shouldnt feel that way)...we are amazing women who have been blessed with amazing children. All moms are amazing.......
This week we have made huge changes with Maddie going to childcare three days a week, and I now believe it is harder for me than her. I dread dropping her off and even become jealous of the teachers that get my baby all day long..I fight the urge to visit because I am afraid that I would make it harder for Maddie..I know she is starting to enjoy her time there, but I miss her tremedously. I am only away from her for 8 hrs and it breaks my heart, then I begin to think about others like the Freemans or Maddie Spohr. WHile I did not know either family, my heart aches for them. I wonder how they manage each second of every day. I know that having God in your world provides some peace. Each morning after greeting my little lady and while I am Pumping (eight and half months strong) I log on and check their blogs, usually I end up in tears reading about how they are attempting to manage life now. I try to think of words that my provide some strength, courage, or hope and each day nothing. I pray to God to watch over those families and provide them some sense of peace, and then I thank God for the blessing he has given me. I also read those blogs to my Madalyn and we look at their pictures. The word preemie or preemie parent provide a sense of security for me...a person who truly can relate to me....a person who gets what its like to leave a hospital without your baby...a woman who feels robbed of her pregnancy....a woman who lives with guilt around the premature birth (even though we shouldnt feel that way)...we are amazing women who have been blessed with amazing children. All moms are amazing.......
Monday, May 18, 2009
"D"aycare Day
So Madalyn begins the next chapter of her life tomorrow. She will be starting daycare as I was blessed with being offered a full time job at the hospital. I am terrified and heart broken. I have been lucky enough to spend almost all eight months with my sweet little lady and I know that not many can be home that long BUT I am so sad. I am great at putting on this mask that it is ok but I am scared. The only people that have watched her are my parents and her dad. What if she cries all day.....I won't be there for eight hours. I know that socially and develomentally this is gonna be great for her. In fact, I think this is harder for me than for her. I also know that they won't cuddle her and love her like I do and that they have to share their time and attention with two other babies. Maddie is very used to being the shining star and doesn't do well with sharing center stage. I almost wanna go grab her out of her crib and put her in my bed to snuggle but I know that she loves her crib and we both sleep better when she is in there. ON a lighter note...tomorrow is picture day at the daycare center, and get this they do a class pic...too funny for the babies. Well I am gonna go to sleep for now, have a feeling sleep will not be to restful tonight...til tomorrow...
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Armed Forces Day
So yesterday Maddie and I went with my mother to Armed Forces Day on Devens. Essentially this was done to show Madalyn off to all of moms coworkers but thats okay, she's very easy to boast about. She was a peach as usually, I am totally lucking out in that department....she's not one to really fuss or cry in public. She does, however, become serious Sally...she gets this stone cold stare going and stares you down...it's tooo funny. She is so aware of whats going on...and seeks immediate approval when achieving a new task....for example this morning after waking up I brought her in to see daddy. She insisted on grabbing my fingers and standing up at which point she would smile and start blabbing to the world, she would then fall down and it would start all over again, this continued for a good 45 minute. Honestly, I love the way something so small consumed myself and Kenny for that long period of time..man I love that one.
After Armed Forces day, Maddie spent time with Grandpa because Kenny and I went to see a comedy hypnotist. We went with a large group of friends, none of which got hypnotized. They all thought it was fake except for me. Maybe I am naive or maybe I believe that if somone is able to give up control and completely relax its possible. Any hoo it was a riot. I also was able to confirm the fact that drunk people annoy me. I know I have had my share of days and nights when I have been tipsy but man I have no tolerance for it. I think the eight months of pregnancy and eight months of pumping have changed my views on alochol over consumption. I must have been an annoying drunk girl....so sorry to everyone that ever had to deal with that.
Well, I am off to start my day, teaching aerobics and then attending a christening and bbq. Although right now I am listening to Maddie talk through the monitor and its so sweet.
After Armed Forces day, Maddie spent time with Grandpa because Kenny and I went to see a comedy hypnotist. We went with a large group of friends, none of which got hypnotized. They all thought it was fake except for me. Maybe I am naive or maybe I believe that if somone is able to give up control and completely relax its possible. Any hoo it was a riot. I also was able to confirm the fact that drunk people annoy me. I know I have had my share of days and nights when I have been tipsy but man I have no tolerance for it. I think the eight months of pregnancy and eight months of pumping have changed my views on alochol over consumption. I must have been an annoying drunk girl....so sorry to everyone that ever had to deal with that.
Well, I am off to start my day, teaching aerobics and then attending a christening and bbq. Although right now I am listening to Maddie talk through the monitor and its so sweet.
Friday, May 15, 2009
8 months in review
So last night I decided to share Maddie's birthstory...tonight I finish it and then recap briefly the past eight months..
So I am enroute to the new hospital and contractions are building, in my mind I am thanking God that I took my Lamaze classes earlier than I had wanted to. As we pull into the entrance of the hospital I realize that we are going to a different hospital then I thought, you see one hosptial is memorial campus and one university campus. In between holding my breath and contracting I manage to tell the nurse that my mother and Kenny will be going to the other hosptial...uh oh. The EMTs bring me to labor and delivery where they decide they have no time to check me in because I am screaming in pain..then in between contractions I manage to apologize for my inability to control myself. I get into my room and insist on walking to the bathroom to pee and they let me...bad news..contractions are worse and I am still alone. A nurse asks me if I am interested in pain meds ( I am about 7 cm and its 645am). I shout NO, I do not want an epidural. The nurse responds "we can do other meds besides the epidural" and I ask "like what"....few more contractions where I become the worlds worst patient, holding my breath giving the bed the death grip. A nurse looks at me and says "I really think you should consider the epidural" and I say "fine"..as soon as this happens Kenny walks in..still doped from pain meds himself...I say "I'm sorry babe, I have to get the epidural" (we were trying to go natural), the nurse says "nope your not, and dad do you want to see the head" now it is 7 am...four contractions later I see my baby and my reaction "oh my gosh SHE has a huge cone head" Kenny cut her cord and spoke with the hundreds (I'm exaggerating) on specialists. Maddie did cry and was beautiful.....after a quick recovery for myself I was allowed to see my baby, Kenny wheeled me up to find my daughter doing well in the NICU. She was havin some problems breathing but they were going to let her try to build her lungs with out intervention. After a hour up there I went back to my room....I will add a side note right here...Preemie moms should not have to stay on a maternity floor with termies and their families..
We had visitors from the second we could to see Maddie as long as they were healthy...by the middle of the day Maddie was given an oxyhood to help open her lungs. That first night was horrible not for Madalyn but for me....I woke up every few hours in tears...I missed Maddie inside of me....I missed that special bond that only I had with Maddie..You know those times when it is quiet and you could touch your belly and know that you had a child growing...Kenny was my rock, he would allow me to go visit her in the middle of the night. The second day in NICU we had a downslide, Maddie needed nasal canula and IV in belly...after day two things got easier and Maddie grew stronger..to sum it up..5 days nasal cannula, 1 day bili lights, 8 days heated bed, three days isolette, 2 1/2 day in "normal crib"...eating was never an issue. We left the hosptial at day 14 with Maddie weighing in at 4lb 6 oz, down 2 oz from birth, and 17 3/4 in (down from 18 1/2..the conehead).
Maddie has done great since coming home, part because I became hypervigilant about sick people and germs...Developmental she is in between adjusted and actual age....weight and height she has caught up, maybe on the smaller side but still on the charts for actual (25%tile)
I have stuggled with more anxiety than I ever thought I could have....I may even coddle her too much....here are some thoughts on how i experienced it
1. NO one tells you how tough it is to lose the baby in the womb feeling, I missed being pregnant for weeks (even though Maddie was with me)
2. My aerobics DID NOT cause my daughters premature birth, and everytime someone says that they reinforce the guilt that I already experience daily.
3. Telling me everything is going to be fine doesn't help. Let me voice my concerns and just listen even if they are extreme and unlikely.
4. My dream job is now to be a NICU social worker and create more enhanced support groups for preemie moms.
5. My biggest fear is having more preemie children.
So there you have it...Maddies birth story and brief successes....Now I will be able to focus more on day to day life with Madalyn Rose. I am also going to post some pics as soon as I figure out how......
Thanks for reading about my Maddie.
So I am enroute to the new hospital and contractions are building, in my mind I am thanking God that I took my Lamaze classes earlier than I had wanted to. As we pull into the entrance of the hospital I realize that we are going to a different hospital then I thought, you see one hosptial is memorial campus and one university campus. In between holding my breath and contracting I manage to tell the nurse that my mother and Kenny will be going to the other hosptial...uh oh. The EMTs bring me to labor and delivery where they decide they have no time to check me in because I am screaming in pain..then in between contractions I manage to apologize for my inability to control myself. I get into my room and insist on walking to the bathroom to pee and they let me...bad news..contractions are worse and I am still alone. A nurse asks me if I am interested in pain meds ( I am about 7 cm and its 645am). I shout NO, I do not want an epidural. The nurse responds "we can do other meds besides the epidural" and I ask "like what"....few more contractions where I become the worlds worst patient, holding my breath giving the bed the death grip. A nurse looks at me and says "I really think you should consider the epidural" and I say "fine"..as soon as this happens Kenny walks in..still doped from pain meds himself...I say "I'm sorry babe, I have to get the epidural" (we were trying to go natural), the nurse says "nope your not, and dad do you want to see the head" now it is 7 am...four contractions later I see my baby and my reaction "oh my gosh SHE has a huge cone head" Kenny cut her cord and spoke with the hundreds (I'm exaggerating) on specialists. Maddie did cry and was beautiful.....after a quick recovery for myself I was allowed to see my baby, Kenny wheeled me up to find my daughter doing well in the NICU. She was havin some problems breathing but they were going to let her try to build her lungs with out intervention. After a hour up there I went back to my room....I will add a side note right here...Preemie moms should not have to stay on a maternity floor with termies and their families..
We had visitors from the second we could to see Maddie as long as they were healthy...by the middle of the day Maddie was given an oxyhood to help open her lungs. That first night was horrible not for Madalyn but for me....I woke up every few hours in tears...I missed Maddie inside of me....I missed that special bond that only I had with Maddie..You know those times when it is quiet and you could touch your belly and know that you had a child growing...Kenny was my rock, he would allow me to go visit her in the middle of the night. The second day in NICU we had a downslide, Maddie needed nasal canula and IV in belly...after day two things got easier and Maddie grew stronger..to sum it up..5 days nasal cannula, 1 day bili lights, 8 days heated bed, three days isolette, 2 1/2 day in "normal crib"...eating was never an issue. We left the hosptial at day 14 with Maddie weighing in at 4lb 6 oz, down 2 oz from birth, and 17 3/4 in (down from 18 1/2..the conehead).
Maddie has done great since coming home, part because I became hypervigilant about sick people and germs...Developmental she is in between adjusted and actual age....weight and height she has caught up, maybe on the smaller side but still on the charts for actual (25%tile)
I have stuggled with more anxiety than I ever thought I could have....I may even coddle her too much....here are some thoughts on how i experienced it
1. NO one tells you how tough it is to lose the baby in the womb feeling, I missed being pregnant for weeks (even though Maddie was with me)
2. My aerobics DID NOT cause my daughters premature birth, and everytime someone says that they reinforce the guilt that I already experience daily.
3. Telling me everything is going to be fine doesn't help. Let me voice my concerns and just listen even if they are extreme and unlikely.
4. My dream job is now to be a NICU social worker and create more enhanced support groups for preemie moms.
5. My biggest fear is having more preemie children.
So there you have it...Maddies birth story and brief successes....Now I will be able to focus more on day to day life with Madalyn Rose. I am also going to post some pics as soon as I figure out how......
Thanks for reading about my Maddie.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
to blog or not to blog.....
I will apologize in advance if spelling and grammar are not up to par.
I officially decided that I am starting a blog...in recent months I have developed a ritual of reading other people's blogs and decided enough is enough..I want to give it a whirl. So here I am...sharing a little of me with all of you...
Let me fill you in on my life....up until Feb 08, pretty ordinary. I was a graduate of Boston College, working for crap money as a school social worker. Devoting countless hours to enhancing the lives of young children and I LOVED IT (well not the pay or the paperwork). I had a condo and a great guy and a cat that many would agree is not too nice (and thats putting it politely). On Feb. 23, 08 I took a trip out to buy a gift for a friend's baby shower and decided that even though my monthly visit was two days late I would take a preggo test..so as i walked through Target I grabbed a single test, and before even leaving the store I found out I was pregnant....Yes you've read correctly I found out I was preggo in the Target bathroom stall...and my first thoughts "No more caffiene". Fast forward a few weeks...I was a paranoid preggo, I must have taken about 30 preggo test, one everyday until I had blood work done and the nurse convinced me to stop worrying that I was preggo..I guess I was prepared for the worse case scenario from early on...
I had the most uneventful pregnancy, and I loved it...I eagerly took photos of the belly and read every websites baby development. I wasn't hormonal, no sickness, no swelling, no heartburn...nothing. I did not let it slow me down either...I continued to teach aerobics and lead an active life...the only change I gave up coffee.....We had our u/s everything went great, they even bumped my edd from 10/31 to 10/22. I remember the dr being concerned with changing my due date and I said whats the difference of nine days..he said well if the baby comes early or late those nine days make a huge difference...We did not find out the gender...we were a team green family.
Fast forward to exactly 34 weeks....I woke up to some cramping and spotting....called the dr. they said have you had sex..."yes"..."okay thats probably why, just drink some water and rest for an hour" me "can I just go to work and rest while I do paperwork" nurse "no" After two hours went to work told them I wasnt going to stay due to some concerns...called dr office and said I wanted in today to double check...dropped Kenny off at dentist (the great thing of having one car)..drove to hospital....waited for what seemed like eternity....dr came in checked me and said your dialated to 2 and contracting go to labor and delivery...me "i have to go get my boyfriend" dr "make it quick".....drive get Kenny, he has had two teeth pulled in the interim...back to hospital...they try to slow/stop contractions, they feel its under control..I send Kenny home, my mother arrives to visit...goes home...I go to sleep....wake up at 430 peeing myself, well not really, it was my water breaking...get nurse...she confirms....dr arrives "you are 3 cm now, we are sending you via ambulance to another hospital equipped for preemie" I turn to autopilot, calmly calling Kenny...NO ANSWER....because I turned his phone on silent and hes doped on pain meds from his teeth...call my mom and say my water broke I am going to Worcester, you need to go get Kenny.....anxiety building...call Jenn (soon to be sister in law)..she answers I break into tears and tell her I need her husband to go get Kenny. Yes I sent two people over to get Kenny, was not sure if my mom could actually wake him up.....contractions a little stronger, and I am still relatively calm....kenny and mom arrive, ambulance comes, dr says you'll probably have baby tonight or tomorrow...and I think to myself "ugh today is Sept.11" Hop on stretcher only to find out I will be alone with nurse and emts in ambulance.....
I am gonna take a break right there, its bed time for me...I will start there tomorrow....
I officially decided that I am starting a blog...in recent months I have developed a ritual of reading other people's blogs and decided enough is enough..I want to give it a whirl. So here I am...sharing a little of me with all of you...
Let me fill you in on my life....up until Feb 08, pretty ordinary. I was a graduate of Boston College, working for crap money as a school social worker. Devoting countless hours to enhancing the lives of young children and I LOVED IT (well not the pay or the paperwork). I had a condo and a great guy and a cat that many would agree is not too nice (and thats putting it politely). On Feb. 23, 08 I took a trip out to buy a gift for a friend's baby shower and decided that even though my monthly visit was two days late I would take a preggo test..so as i walked through Target I grabbed a single test, and before even leaving the store I found out I was pregnant....Yes you've read correctly I found out I was preggo in the Target bathroom stall...and my first thoughts "No more caffiene". Fast forward a few weeks...I was a paranoid preggo, I must have taken about 30 preggo test, one everyday until I had blood work done and the nurse convinced me to stop worrying that I was preggo..I guess I was prepared for the worse case scenario from early on...
I had the most uneventful pregnancy, and I loved it...I eagerly took photos of the belly and read every websites baby development. I wasn't hormonal, no sickness, no swelling, no heartburn...nothing. I did not let it slow me down either...I continued to teach aerobics and lead an active life...the only change I gave up coffee.....We had our u/s everything went great, they even bumped my edd from 10/31 to 10/22. I remember the dr being concerned with changing my due date and I said whats the difference of nine days..he said well if the baby comes early or late those nine days make a huge difference...We did not find out the gender...we were a team green family.
Fast forward to exactly 34 weeks....I woke up to some cramping and spotting....called the dr. they said have you had sex..."yes"..."okay thats probably why, just drink some water and rest for an hour" me "can I just go to work and rest while I do paperwork" nurse "no" After two hours went to work told them I wasnt going to stay due to some concerns...called dr office and said I wanted in today to double check...dropped Kenny off at dentist (the great thing of having one car)..drove to hospital....waited for what seemed like eternity....dr came in checked me and said your dialated to 2 and contracting go to labor and delivery...me "i have to go get my boyfriend" dr "make it quick".....drive get Kenny, he has had two teeth pulled in the interim...back to hospital...they try to slow/stop contractions, they feel its under control..I send Kenny home, my mother arrives to visit...goes home...I go to sleep....wake up at 430 peeing myself, well not really, it was my water breaking...get nurse...she confirms....dr arrives "you are 3 cm now, we are sending you via ambulance to another hospital equipped for preemie" I turn to autopilot, calmly calling Kenny...NO ANSWER....because I turned his phone on silent and hes doped on pain meds from his teeth...call my mom and say my water broke I am going to Worcester, you need to go get Kenny.....anxiety building...call Jenn (soon to be sister in law)..she answers I break into tears and tell her I need her husband to go get Kenny. Yes I sent two people over to get Kenny, was not sure if my mom could actually wake him up.....contractions a little stronger, and I am still relatively calm....kenny and mom arrive, ambulance comes, dr says you'll probably have baby tonight or tomorrow...and I think to myself "ugh today is Sept.11" Hop on stretcher only to find out I will be alone with nurse and emts in ambulance.....
I am gonna take a break right there, its bed time for me...I will start there tomorrow....
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