remembering...

Spent some time this afternoon reading through the cards from Madalyn's baby shower. This of course involved shedding tears...I just remembered all the feelings that I felt during the longest two weeks of my life...Id like to believe that I handled my stress and grief (my loss of "normal" pregnancy) as well as I could but there are still moments of numerous days that I wonder....what could I have done differently. NOW my training has taught me not to think like this BUT its a challenge. I apologize to my daughter quite often, but then I tell myself that I love her more than anything and I am here for her to support her in achieving all her hearts desires....

First to wake last to bed

So here I am sitting by the computer, the house quiet besides the lull of an OLD dishwasher, and dryer. Another day has passed and we celebrated a momentous occasion..Miss Madalyn Rose cut her first tooth just two weeks shy of ONE year old. I thought she had been teething for sometime, but let me say that what I thought was teething does not compare to the actual teething. Along with teething, we packed up the 6-9 and 9 mth clothing, bitter sweet. As her birthday rapidly approaches a lot of feelings start to resurface....remembering being pregnant this time last year so happy and completely unaware that just two weeks away was the birth of this perfect little person. Then my cousin had her fourth child (she is amazing), she went home yesterday...she called me today to tell me how strong I was for holding it together while leaving the hospital without my baby...now let me say that my cousin is a labor and delivery nurse so she sees preemies all the time, but she said its different when someone close has to go through it...
Each day with Madalyn is a blessing from God. I am truly lucky...she is a healthy baby girl who is thriving. She is a nurturing baby already feeding her babies with a bottle. She is also developing this personality that is showing mommy and daddy to look out. Its so hard to believe that she will be ONE is just 12 days. Thank you God!

blessed

So here I am sitting here on a Friday night watching Miss Madds fast asleep on the a bed of blankets on the living room floor...i know i know...why is she not in her crib. When daddy is out for a while Madds gets to snuggle with mommy and so while I type she is sleeping next to me. My thoughts are WOW I am blessed. This little girl is absolutely perfect, even her imperfections (a funny shaped ear :0 ) are perfect. I can sit for hours starring at her and thinking that God has truely blessed me..
I have a man who may drive me crazy more often than not but he is my rock. I do not think I tell him enough how wonderful he is, but I need to start.
I have a family and group of friends that support me so much and offer so much love and I only hope I can do the same for them.
God also has blessed me with a job. Right now with this economy I am blessed to have a full time job that I love and a part time job that I love even more.

I am just blessed...Thank you Lord for all you have given me..

sometimes it just hits you when you least expect it

Since September there have been many days when I put Maddie's prematurity in the back of mind...not that I ever forget it, but some days its not as pronounced. Today is a day that it snuck up on me and not even in a scary, bad dream type of way. Today I picked Maddie up from my parents house and she was so so happy. At home while lying on my bed Maddie had so much energy and she was laughing and for the first time she was saying dadadadada. I am truly blessed with this sweet baby girl...

This week we have made huge changes with Maddie going to childcare three days a week, and I now believe it is harder for me than her. I dread dropping her off and even become jealous of the teachers that get my baby all day long..I fight the urge to visit because I am afraid that I would make it harder for Maddie..I know she is starting to enjoy her time there, but I miss her tremedously. I am only away from her for 8 hrs and it breaks my heart, then I begin to think about others like the Freemans or Maddie Spohr. WHile I did not know either family, my heart aches for them. I wonder how they manage each second of every day. I know that having God in your world provides some peace. Each morning after greeting my little lady and while I am Pumping (eight and half months strong) I log on and check their blogs, usually I end up in tears reading about how they are attempting to manage life now. I try to think of words that my provide some strength, courage, or hope and each day nothing. I pray to God to watch over those families and provide them some sense of peace, and then I thank God for the blessing he has given me. I also read those blogs to my Madalyn and we look at their pictures. The word preemie or preemie parent provide a sense of security for me...a person who truly can relate to me....a person who gets what its like to leave a hospital without your baby...a woman who feels robbed of her pregnancy....a woman who lives with guilt around the premature birth (even though we shouldnt feel that way)...we are amazing women who have been blessed with amazing children. All moms are amazing.......

"D"aycare Day

So Madalyn begins the next chapter of her life tomorrow. She will be starting daycare as I was blessed with being offered a full time job at the hospital. I am terrified and heart broken. I have been lucky enough to spend almost all eight months with my sweet little lady and I know that not many can be home that long BUT I am so sad. I am great at putting on this mask that it is ok but I am scared. The only people that have watched her are my parents and her dad. What if she cries all day.....I won't be there for eight hours. I know that socially and develomentally this is gonna be great for her. In fact, I think this is harder for me than for her. I also know that they won't cuddle her and love her like I do and that they have to share their time and attention with two other babies. Maddie is very used to being the shining star and doesn't do well with sharing center stage. I almost wanna go grab her out of her crib and put her in my bed to snuggle but I know that she loves her crib and we both sleep better when she is in there. ON a lighter note...tomorrow is picture day at the daycare center, and get this they do a class pic...too funny for the babies. Well I am gonna go to sleep for now, have a feeling sleep will not be to restful tonight...til tomorrow...

Armed Forces Day

So yesterday Maddie and I went with my mother to Armed Forces Day on Devens. Essentially this was done to show Madalyn off to all of moms coworkers but thats okay, she's very easy to boast about. She was a peach as usually, I am totally lucking out in that department....she's not one to really fuss or cry in public. She does, however, become serious Sally...she gets this stone cold stare going and stares you down...it's tooo funny. She is so aware of whats going on...and seeks immediate approval when achieving a new task....for example this morning after waking up I brought her in to see daddy. She insisted on grabbing my fingers and standing up at which point she would smile and start blabbing to the world, she would then fall down and it would start all over again, this continued for a good 45 minute. Honestly, I love the way something so small consumed myself and Kenny for that long period of time..man I love that one.

After Armed Forces day, Maddie spent time with Grandpa because Kenny and I went to see a comedy hypnotist. We went with a large group of friends, none of which got hypnotized. They all thought it was fake except for me. Maybe I am naive or maybe I believe that if somone is able to give up control and completely relax its possible. Any hoo it was a riot. I also was able to confirm the fact that drunk people annoy me. I know I have had my share of days and nights when I have been tipsy but man I have no tolerance for it. I think the eight months of pregnancy and eight months of pumping have changed my views on alochol over consumption. I must have been an annoying drunk girl....so sorry to everyone that ever had to deal with that.

Well, I am off to start my day, teaching aerobics and then attending a christening and bbq. Although right now I am listening to Maddie talk through the monitor and its so sweet.

And here is Maddie about 3 weeks ago, at seven and half months, testing out a popsicle during our first heat wave in MA.